


Discord and Rhyme

by zarabithia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1980s, Attempted Sexual Assault, Fluff and Humor, Implied recreational drug use by non-canonical characters, M/M, Multi, Present Tense, Vomiting, assault is not attempted by any of the main characters, palpatine is dead and everyone else is rich and happy, references hondo/obi wan, references to queer governmental policies in the 1980s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 16:43:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13640244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/pseuds/zarabithia
Summary: The day that Lando meets Han is a day in which things are going spectacularly terrible for Lando.First of all, he is sitting on the floor of a bathroom in the Skywalker Ranch or Farm or Homestead or whatever they are calling it this week, and honestly, that should be enough of an embarrassment. His coat is mink, for god's sake, and it's not as though he can't afford another, but it's the principle of the matter.And the principle is this: there is no reason that Lando should be soiling his pretty, new mink coat by rubbing the shoulders of a drunk kid as said kid pukes up every bit of the (admittedly very nice) vodka that he'd been ingesting all night long.(Or: Three times Han and Lando did not fuck, one time they did, and one time that Luke joined them.)





	Discord and Rhyme

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cutthroatfics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutthroatfics/gifts).



**I.**

The day that Lando meets Han is a day in which things are going spectacularly terrible for Lando. 

First of all, he is sitting on the floor of a bathroom in the Skywalker Ranch or Farm or Homestead or whatever they are calling it this week, and honestly, that should be enough of an embarrassment. His coat is mink, for god's sake, and it's not as though he can't afford another, but it's the principle of the matter. 

And the principle is this: there is no reason that Lando should be soiling his pretty, new mink coat by rubbing the shoulders of a drunk kid as said kid pukes up every bit of the (admittedly very nice) vodka that he'd been ingesting all night long. 

But here he is, because Xanatos du Crion is a known creep, a shitty musician, an even worse actor, and Lando could not just sit there and let Xanatos' creepy hands keep going places they shouldn't on a kid too drunk to agree to anything other than puking his guts out. Punching the dumb bastard had gotten actual blood on his coat, and he's probably going to have to deal with a small lawsuit because du Crion's father is richer than all the Beatles put together.

Honestly, all he'd wanted was the the Luke's dad to agree to bankroll one of his projects, and there'd been enough vodka flowing that Lando could have gotten the old man to agree. Had the old bastard shown up? No.

"Please don't puke on the coat," he sighs, and the kid makes a sound like a choke that gross people do when they can't hold their liquor in; Lando dies a little, and his mortification only grows as the kid digs his fist into Lando's coat. 

At least he hadn't worn the pink silk. It was definitely a good look, and probably more appropriate for this sad little attempt at a party, but ruining the pink silk is a punchable offense and it's a bad idea to punch drunk fools. It's probably especially a bad idea to punch them when their parents include Senator Padme "Probably Gonna Be President" Naberrie and Anakin “Crazy Bastard Who May Have Murdered The Old President of His Record Label But Nobody Can Prove It” Skywalker. 

"'Orry," The kid sniffles when he's done puking, and Lando wonders why he choose the Skywalker party over the Nile Rogers' party. Sure, Rogers is in his super annoying Duran Duran phase these days, but he would have appreciated the mink and he wouldn't be crying. "Vodka never messed me up this bad before." 

"Did you ever drink that much before?" Lando asks bluntly. 

The kid starts to respond, but they are both interrupted by the actual bathroom door being kicked in. Lando stands immediately - the kid's fist is still in his coat, dammit, so it's difficult - and is ready to defend the kid's honor again. He'd thought du Crion had gone home. Had he come back for more? Sent his goons? 

Lando has time to hope they don't let Eddie Murphy play him in the movie they will clearly make about the Amazing Superstar Music Producer Who Died In His Prime Because of Luke Skywalker before a man he's never seen before jumps into view. 

"Don't touch him!" the man yells.

"Why would I?" Lando asks, because honestly. That throws the other man, so Lando continues, happy that he doesn't have to punch anyone else tonight because there's enough blood on his beautiful coat. "He's drunk off his ass, crying his heart out, and smells like vomit. Honestly, some of us have standards." 

"Hey!" The kid says indignantly from his spot on the floor. "I'm a good catch! No matter what you or Biggs might think, Han!" 

At least, that's mostly what Lando thinks he says. There's a lot of word slurring, and honestly, Lando doesn't care that much. 

At the mention of Biggs, the new man - Han? - rolls his eyes. "Kid, he broke up with you a month ago. You have got to get over it." 

"A month? Ouch. No wonder I was subjected to terrible country music all night long," Lando mutters. 

"Reba is great!" Luke starts to say, before he hunches over the toilet again. 

Lando winces and decides he's had enough of the Skywalker Dynasty for the night. "Look, I can see you're his keeper - "

"His bodyguard, actually. Name's - "

"I don't care. You aren't the old bastard who was supposed to finance the next album, and you won't be paying the immense bill to clean this very nice coat - "

"It's not _that_ nice." 

Lando just looks at Han's outfit, which consists of a denim jacket, white t-shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots. 

"You probably listen to _Madonna_ ," he huffs, and those are the last words that Lando says to anyone that night, because there are far better places to be. 

 

**II.**

 

When Lando gets the invitation to return to the Skywalker mansion, he isn't quite sure that he wants to go. Nothing particularly good had come out of the first visit, and there's not a person in the music business who doesn't know that Old Sheev had walked in to that mansion one day and not come back out. 

But the invitation is gold engraved into a shade of red that matches Lando's favorite crushed velvet suit, and it's signed "Padme, Anakin, and Luke." 

"Mmmhmm," Hondo says, leaning back onto a synthesizer that cost more than Hondo's entire life worth. "Do you suppose Obi-Wan will be there? You know I ate dinner with him once, during the cat-fight he was having with Skywalker, and - " 

"If this is about the deep fried snake or what he can do with his toes, I don't want to hear it yet again," Lando cuts him off. "Stop leaning on that synthesizer before I have to deep fry _you_." 

"I'm just saying... if you go, say hello to Obi-Wan for me." 

Lando goes, and Kenobi is there. Lando is planning on not saying a damn word to Kenobi, because the stories of his assistant producer have haunted him for years and it's hard to look a man in the eyes when you've heard second-hand stories about every orifice he has. 

So Lando takes a seat at a table that includes Anakin "Who Would Have Expected a Former Teen Heartthrob to Get This Rich" Skywalker, Han, Luke, Kenobi, and some man with a truly amazing beard who Han introduces begrudgingly as "Chewie." There's a weird current there, when Han introduces them, but Lando doesn't care, so he also doesn't ask. 

Kenobi has other ideas about letting the Hondo matter drop. They have barely sat down at the really ridiculously long table in one of three dining rooms that the mansion has before Kenobi decides to bring Hondo up for himself. 

"I hear you are working with Hondo these days," he says, and the eyebrow lift says he is judging that life decision.

"He's a good _pair of hands_ to have around," Lando says carefully, because he can't say "well, I'm not letting him suck my dick, so I make better decisions than you have, clearly." 

That would be rude, and rude would clash with his crushed velvet suit. Kenobi has the good grace to look embarrassed at the hands comment, so it works out. 

"You and Hondo spent a lot of time together during your 'Ben' phase, right?" Anakin says, and Lando wonders why he was promised Padme's presence when she isn't here. Last he'd heard, she was in DC, in some futile attempt to make Reagan give a fuck about that foundation Elizabeth Taylor set up. It's not something that's gonna work, but maybe she'll give ol' Ronnie a headache because he deserves a hell of a lot worse. 

Anyway, Padme dresses the best out of all of them and is the only one with any good taste. Luke has dropped the cowboy get-up, but he's now wearing some bright white nonsense that looks like it was stolen out of Wham's closet. 

Lando judges him only slightly, because George Michael's closet is a beautiful place to be. 

"Yes... the 'Ben' phase," Kenobi says, sipping his wine carefully, as if he's afraid that he will spill it on that terrible tan button-up and khaki ensemble he's wearing. Lando hopes he _does_. The look could use some color, to be honest. "The phase I had at the same time you were having your 'metal' phase, which was - correct me if I'm wrong - part of your 'Palpatine' phase." 

Luke groans, and Han leans over to whisper into Lando's ear. He's so close that Lando can smell the garlic on his breath, and he stifles a sigh about the fact. "You'll have to forgive them. They get a little cranky now and then." 

" _Dallas_ cranky," Luke says from across the table, and he looks from Lando to Han and smiles the kind of smile that says he's looking for a rebound. 

Lando shrugs. "It's not my house. They can go full _Dynasty_ and start tossing people in the pool for all I care." He doesn't mention that the "Ben Kenobi" albums, depressing that they had been, had gotten him through his teenage years. They were pretty amazing. They were much better than anything put out by the Darth Vader and the Dark Empire band that Skywalker had fronted for a while. As far as that genre had been concerned, Ozzy had been better, bats and all. 

At the other end of the table, Anakin chuckles. "That seems a little extreme." 

Kenobi scoffs and says, "You say that as though it's never happened." 

Lando mentally acknowledges that rich white people are crazy, before Anakin interrupts the thought. "Moving on. We're very glad you agreed to come here tonight, Mister Calrissian. After what happened with du Crion, our family owes you a significant amount." 

"Ah, well, what else was I going to do? I'm not the crusader that your wife or daughter are. I'm just a simple producer, but you can't let bad things happen when they happen right under your nose," Lando says. 

"Some would," Anakin says seriously. "But you didn't, and I believe that we _owe_ you a good deal." 

He makes a motion to Chewie, and the man - who hasn't said a damn thing through the whole meal- reaches down and picks up a briefcase. Lando thinks this truly is some bizarre _Dallas_ shit and maybe Skywalker ate his fair share of bats as Darth Vader, just like Ozzy, and it made them both fucked up. 

"Luke and Han both mentioned that you were interested in a business venture," Anakin is saying as Chewie gets up and places the briefcase in front of Lando. "I'm not really interested in making any business deals today... but I think you'll be able to do so without any further involvement from me." 

Lando opens the briefcase and blinks at the large sum of money there. This is not normal musician stuff, but nobody else around the table looks disturbed or even surprised. It is not an elaborate SNL skit, though it feels like one. 

"Oh, that's very generous of you," he says, because what he's thinking is that there's enough here to start his own studio and buy at least two replacement coats for the one that the kid had destroyed. "And yes, I think there's enough here to ... pursue my project." 

"Gonna have enough left over to buy an ugly coat?" Han asks.

Lando tries not to be offended. Would Prince be offended by fashion advice from Big Bird? No, he would not. Still, there's a little bite in his voice when he answers, "I don't know. They're a bit more expensive than the bargain basement Bruce Springsteen look you're trying to pull off." 

Han is so offended, as he should be, but whatever he's going to say is drowned out by Anakin saying, "Is that not enough? Do you need more?" 

Truly never a question anyone has ever asked him before, and this family is truly bizarre in a way that makes Lando consider the possibility that there are multiple bodies buried on the grounds. 

But Lando had met Palpatine once, and he'd been a real ass, so if all the buried bodies are that deserving, Lando doesn't really feel bad about answering the way he does. "Well, actually...." 

 

**III.**

Lando's been at auctions, before. Most of them have involved uncomfortable chairs that would fall apart if you sat in them wrong, a lack of air conditioning and more bodies than deserved to be in one room together. This one has actual tables, with actual table cloths and chairs that are much more comfortable. While they wait for the auction to start, an unfortunate and completely not self-aware version of "Uptown Girl" plays on the speakers, no matter that it's over years old. Lando is leaning back in his chair, sipping on his champagne, when Han walks in, looking completely out of place. 

Lando sees Han at the auction, of course. He doesn't plan on saying anything about it or to him. He's here to buy a boat, after all, not to wonder why the kid's bodyguard is here without the kid in tow. 

Han ignores what Lando wants, as seems to be the reoccurring theme with the man. 

"So are you stalking me or what?" Han says, coming to sit next to him. "Also, is that a cape, because that seems like overkill to me." 

"I won it fair and square from David Bowie," Lando responds, because everyone should know that his cape came from David Bowie. "Anyway, where is the boy you are supposed to be babysitting?"

"Ah... I've been replaced." Han looks embarrassed, and Lando spares a moment of sympathy. But then he remembers that he was the one protecting the kid's virtue in the bathroom instead of Luke's actual bodyguard. 

"By Chewie?" At Han's nod, he says, "Seems fair." 

Han looks deeply offended. "Hey, I was busy checking out another potential threat at the time!" 

"Potential threat of the purple-haired chick?" Lando nods and sips his champagne. He's glad they serve it, because cocaine is the drug of choice for many people here, but many people here are tacky white people and Lando is not. He hopes they are hopped up on the white stuff enough that they let him get a good bid for the yacht he's here for. Given how many of them are allowing their noses to get intimate with their table tops, it seems likely. "How'd that threat turn out?" 

"She wanted Luke's sister's phone number," Han says sulkily.

"As she should. Leia is a class act and looks better in leather." 

"Anyway, we are changing the subject because I don't want to talk about Luke's sister. What do you mean you won your ridiculous cape?" The auction is starting, and so, Lando would like to not listen to the rest of what Han is saying, but the man has traded his denim in for leather, so perhaps he deserves some leeway. Not a lot, mind you... but perhaps a little. "How do you 'win' something fair and square. A bet isn't fair and square." 

"You've never won something over a good game of Poker?" Lando sighs and dismisses his previous good-will. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me, Han."

"It's Han. Pronounced Hahn, not Hand without the d." 

"I don't care," Lando says. "Now hush, the auction's starting." 

"What are you so anxious to bet on?" Han asks. 

"The yacht Simon LeBon almost drowned on is up for sale," Lando tells him. "I was there and let me tell you, it's - "

"It's a beauty."

"You've seen it?" 

"The Millennium Falcon? Absolutely. That's what I'm here to bet on." 

Lando wonders how he's even going to start to pay for it. The Falcon will not be cheap, and if it hadn't been for the generosity of Anakin "Probably Stole My Record Company President's Money After I Killed Him" Skywalker and the ensuing success of Lando Records' first album, Lando wouldn't be able to afford the yacht either. 

"Why are you here?" Lando asks instead. "How did you get in? This isn't your table. I paid extra to have a table to myself. Do you even have a job since the Skywalkers fired you?" 

Han grins, as if Lando hasn't insulted him. "Maybe I won my way in, fair and square." 

"Oh, really? Somehow I doubt you're that good." 

"You doubt it enough to play a friendly game of Poker for the Falcon later?" Han asks. 

"You think you can win my boat through a card game?" Lando demands. He watches the announcer try to auction off an actual rhinestone jacket, supposedly worn by Dolly Parton. He thinks, briefly, about buying it for the kid. It's tacky as shit, and there's no way that Luke Skywalker hasn't spent at least one night singing “Hard Candy Christmas” loudly and off-key. 

Nah, the kid's not that cute. 

"It's a ship," Han corrects.

"If it's big enough to fit another boat on it, it's a ship. Since the Millennium Falcon is clearly not that big, it's still a boat," Lando tells him. He smiles at their waiter, and rolls his eyes as Han reaches for a glass of champagne right over Lando's plate. 

"When I win it from you, you're gonna have to call it a ship," Han tells him. 

"When you lose, you'll have to concede that it is a boat," Lando answers. 

 

**One Time They Did**

 

 _You should never play poker against Han Solo_ is scribbled on the postcard that Luke Skywalker sends Lando approximately two weeks after Lando loses the Millennium Falcon in a a very rigged (he's certain of it) game of cards. 

Two days later, a picture of Han and Luke on the yacht that rightfully belongs to Lando arrives in the mail. There's some other asshole on Lando's yacht, too - a guitar player who Lando has seen before. It takes Lando two phone calls to "remember" that goofy-haired fellow is Wedge, and he'd had a really good solo on Ahsoka Tano's last record. 

"Does he still have the nice hair?" Mara asks when he calls her. "The kind that all red-blooded women attracted to men want to run their hands through?" 

Lando is glad she realizes that it's only women who are attracted to men who want to run their hands through that wannabe Nick Rhodes mess. "Why do you work for me, again?" 

"Because I'm the most ruthless A&R person you'll ever have," Mara says simply, and it's not a lie. 

"And yet, have you convinced Bail to record his next album?" Lando says. "The world's been waiting ten years for a new album. The world's been waiting since before I produced my first album." 

"Okay, several things. One, that's not my job. That's actually your job. Two, Bail Organa does not make music; he makes art and only when art speaks to him. We are lucky to have signed him. Thirdly, you need to quit being such an ass just because Solo stole your ship." 

"Boat," Lando says petulantly. 

"Have some advice: get it back and never whine to me about it again," Mara says, and then she hangs up. 

Rude advice, but it's not untrue. 

He sends the invitation a full six months ahead of time and makes sure to include a picture of the cabin. On the inside of the invitation, he writes: 

_Are you as good on skis as you are on my boat, Solo? If so, see you on the slopes in December! Time to get my boat back._

He is not surprised to see Han show up, in ridiculous orange ski jacket in early December. He is also not surprised to hear the first words out of Han's mouth be "It's a ship, and you will lose because I've been skiing with Padme and Leia since Luke was ten." 

"The kid doesn't like to ski?" 

"Nope! He and the old man sit and drink hot cocoa with Kenobi," Han answers. "Anyway, grab your skis and let's get this over with." 

"Hold on a second. There'll be time for skiing later, but I wasn't actually thinking about betting on your skills on the skis. Can I get you something to drink?" 

Han leans against the couch and frowns at it, in the kind of way that people without taste frown at leather couches. Yes, they are uncomfortable to sit on, but there's a fireplace, a bear rug, and two beds in this cabin; why would anyone do anything on the couch at all, honestly? 

"I could drink a beer. What were you thinking?" The comfortable Han Solo smirk is back in place, and Lando has to remind himself that what he's about to propose is only about getting his boat back. 

It's easier to remember when he has to walk to the bar and ignore the request for beer. Why would he have beer in this cabin? Has he ever had anyone as a guest that has ever answered "beer" before Han Solo? No, he has not. 

He pours scotch for himself and offers Han a bottle of water. 

"It's the closest thing I have to beer," he says, by way of answering Han's questioning look. "Anyway, I was talking to Quinlan Vos a few months ago, and - " 

"Aw, good old Quinlan. How's the jacket he stole from me?" 

Lando smiles around his glass. "I hear he won it, fair and square - after you stole it from him." 

What Lando has actually heard is that the Elvis jacket - and he cannot believe a musician as talented and versatile as Quinlan Vos gives so much as a single fuck about Elvis Presley - exchanged hands because Han is a terrible cheater at cards and then exchanged hands again because Han has no actual ability to not blow his load all over a pretty face.

Actually what Vos claims is that his own oral abilities are amazing and superior and irresistible, but Lando is quite sure that his own mouth can and will do better. 

"So... a Quinlan Vos bet. That desperate to see me naked, Lando? You could just ask." Han smirks in a completely obscene way around the water bottle. 

"I am asking. I'm also establishing terms of the bet." Lando shrugs. "Whoever comes first, loses. Whoever lasts longest wins my boat. Of course, if Quinlan was right and you can't ... handle such a bet..." 

"It's my ship, but Vos can go to hell and I accept your terms." Han sets the water bottle down - not on a coaster, of course - and begins to take off his shirt. "We get to fuck on the bear rug? Never done that before." 

There's no saving that rug, of course. But it isn't as though he can't afford another one, and he _is_ going to get his boat back. 

 

**One Time Luke Joined Them**

It's not Lando's first Grammy, but it is his first as "Producer of the Year." 

_"I find, in moments like these, it's important to stay humble,"_ he tells the audience, who eats that up the way an audience always does when you tell them things like that. _"I've had so many people helping me in establishing Lando Records this year. All of the incredible artists - yes, even you, Bail, even though you haven't given us an album yet."_

The audience laughs and from the front row, Bail Organa gives him a thumbs up. 

_"Beyond the artists, though, I have been fortunate to have such incredible support. To Anakin and Luke Skywalker, your generosity has been incredible. Mara, Shara, Hondo - you are really the best co-pilots anyone could ever have. And speaking of piloting... I would like to thank both Quinlan Vos for his incredible wisdom and Han Solo for his gracious ability to lose. You're always welcome to come join me on my boat, buddy."_ He gives his best grin - just for Solo's sake - into the camera, and adds, _"And thanks to Wedge Antilles, David Bowie, Simon LeBon, and Elvis for being silent accomplices to our victories this year."_

The audience claps as Lando exists the stage, and he is subject to more questions about his speech than are really necessary backstage. But eccentricity is a trait musicians are allowed to have, and unlike certain benefactors, he's never buried anyone or given anyone a huge briefcase of money at the dining room table. This is as close to “what the hell” as he's going to get. 

He enjoys it, and he enjoys it even more when he catches a glimpse of Han and Luke at the second Grammy after-party that he attends. 

"That was sure some speech," Han grumbles. He has an actual beer, because of course he does. 

"It sure was!" Luke says, but he sounds as sincere as Han does not. He's drinking water, which is a much better choice than vodka, Lando will grant him. "Gosh, how many mink coats do you own?" 

"These days? One for every day of the week." Lando drinks his own brandy slowly and examines Luke's outfit a bit more closely. He's traded the gay cowboy look for all leather. Is that an improvement in the break-up stage? It has to be. It's at least screaming ready-to-fuck-again. "You have something against mink, Luke?" 

"No...Leia does, because you know, she's an activist - "

"For everything," Han grumbles.

Luke gives him a dirty look, before turning his attention back to Lando. "I think it looks nice on you," he says shyly. 

"Christ," Han says. He turns away from them both and takes an unnecessarily long sip of his beer. 

Lando grins into his brandy. Apparently one tumble on his bear rug hasn't been enough for poor Han. 

Who can blame him, really? It rarely is enough for anyone. 

"What's the matter with _you_?" Luke demands. 

Lando throws an arm around Luke's shoulder. "Han's just feeling a little left out." 

"I am not!" 

"Why?" Luke questions. But he leans into Lando's touch, and Han just narrows his eyes at them both. 

"Who knows? Maybe nobody ever taught the poor bastard how to share," Lando suggests. 

Han stops glaring at them both, looks from Luke to Lando, and slowly the crinkle in his brows evens out. "I know how to ... share. You two know how to ... share?" 

Luke laughs and leans his head on Lando's shoulder. "I've been trying to teach you both how to share since you kicked in the bathroom door, Han." 

Well, that was something. "My place is probably the closest," he says by way of invitation. 

"Do you really have the mirror like _Playboy_ claims you do?" Luke asks. 

"Just one mirror? Really, what kind of peasant do you take me for?" Lando scoffs. He sets his drink down on the bar, and the three of them begin to make their way out of the party. Several people try to stop them to talk, but the fun of being an eccentric record company owner is that you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. 

"You going to wear the coat?" Han asks as they get into the car.

"Nope," Lando says.

"That's too bad," Luke murmurs, and Lando thinks he might reconsider it.

He does consider - because he isn't stupid - that Anakin "Nobody Can Find Xanatos' Body Either" Skywalker is not going to be happy with him. But he dismisses the thought on two accounts. One, there is obviously some "understanding" between Skywalker, Kenobi, and the Senator so casual threesomes have to be something that their family condones.

Secondly, the night he is planning to have will almost be worth any potential wrath he might incur.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from [Duran Duran](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOg5VxrRTi0), of course. Thanks to Cero for giving it a look over, yelling at me about tenses, and helping me figure out important details for characters who only show up in one paragraph.


End file.
